It’s 2014. I haven’t honestly posted on here in about a year.
Guys, life has been really awful lately.
Let me re-phrase that: I’ve been really awful to life.
I got everything I wanted. The love of my life finally moved here to be with me. We were going to school together. We finally had our dream, after almost two long years of waiting and missing each other.
And then I ruined everything.
How, how, does that make sense? Those around me have told me it’s just because I’m young, and when you’re young you make mistakes. But is it really that simple?
I’m really scared. I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared in my entire life.
I’ve never been so out of touch with myself. I’ve never made so many disappointing decisions.
Who am I? I’m beginning to remember, but why was it so easy for me to forget in the first place?
My parents and my therapist think I may have either BPD or Cyclothymia. Part of me is relieved. I’m not fucking crazy; there really is something wrong, something besides my own voice making it so fucking hard to live inside my head. Another part of me is ashamed. Really ashamed. Why can’t I just be normal? Why am I not normal?
Why is everything such a god damned struggle.
When I’m happy, I’m sad. When I should be sad, I’m happy. I take people for granted. I take myself for granted. I feel like I can do anything one minute and severely lethargic and depressed the next.
It’s awful. It makes me want to die. In a completely literal sense.
I hate that, so much.
I’m so alone right now. I deserve to be. God, why is this happening? Why can’t I ever just be satisfied. Why am I always so self-destructive.
Why am I so afraid.
I’m so so afraid.
I just lost my best friend. My absolute world. For nothing. For absolute nothing-ness.
I see my therapist tomorrow. I hope to make sense of all of this then. I don’t want to live my entire life like this. I honestly would rather die.
I don’t want to have 15 different unexpected emotions throughout my day. I don’t want to be up for five days then down for three.
I don’t want to be a chameleon and change who I am for those around in the matter of a few seconds without realizing it. I don’t want to take people for granted anymore. I don’t want to be apathetic.
I don’t want to be irresponsible. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to obsess over things I have no control over. I don’t want to constantly fight with myself inside of my own head.
It’s never fucking silent. And if it is, it’s a fallacy. It always comes back. It never stays away. Never for more than an hour or so.
I really might be bi-polar. Who knows at this point. There’s no reason to the madness.
I’m so sad. I’m so angry with myself.
How could I lose him. Not him.
him. I lost it all.
I’d do anything to take it all back.
Not just take it back, but be different. Be better. Be healthy. Be someone he deserves to be with.
That’s all i want. I just want him to come back, and I want to be able to give him everything he deserves. I want to give myself what I deserve. A life filled with love and music and happiness and contentment. A life worth living.
I promise myself this, whatever it is that’s going on in my head, it will get better. I will get better. I will be okay. And by the grace of god, I will get him back. And if I don’t, I’ll try until I can’t try anymore. I won’t give up. I’ve given up on too much in my life. I’m not giving up on myself this time. Not this time. I’m going to get better. And I’ll blink. When I open my eyes everything will be new and we’ll be together and things will be better than they’ve ever been before.
Even if that never happens, I have to believe that there’s some redemption involved. I’m not an awful person. If I was, I would feel no remorse. I would feel nothing. I feel a hole. In the center of my body.
That in itself gives me hope. I’m feeling pain. From pain comes growth, comes something beautiful. It’s when we feel nothing that our lives become dangerous. That’s how I got to this moment in the first place. I felt nothing. For anything. For anyone. I was indifferent to everything in my life.
If there’s anything I’m going to take from all of this - I’m alive. No doubt about it. Even though living seems to be a bleak task at this moment in time, I have faith. It hurts badly. But it’s there. I believe that everything will be okay.
I have good things inside of me. And though I compare myself to those around me and feel as if I’m broken and wrong, I know that I have something remarkable resting inside of me, just waiting to be woken up.
My life is starting over. Again.
But this time, I’m not letting go of my past as if it never happened. I’m using it to learn from, and I’m not running. From anything, from anyone. Be brave, little one. The fun has only just begun.
God, I miss you so much it hurts. I just want to hold you and tell you I love you and feel you in my arms. I want to feel you. I want you. I miss you. This is such a hard time.
"…Some try to use their newfound knowledge to “save” others who suffer from addictions and mental health issues, and end up exerting so much energy to help a boyfriend/girlfriend that they put their own recovery in jeopardy."
This. Though it hurts, I must do this for myself.
I’m going to EDA/OA today. It’s about two years overdue.
It’s time to become the person I’m meant to be
In the silence, I let myself think. I wonder why I’ve made this decision.
But then I force myself to remember.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
When you’re in love with someone, but deny yourself them, you find yourself in a really strange situation/headspace.
What you need, is not always what you want.
I’m feeling so many emotions. Half of me feels strong, that I am doing the right thing. Half of me could burst into tears at any given moment.
The only thing I’m finding comfort in at this time is in knowing that won’t this last forever.
I love him, so very very much. And I always will. The bond we share is
one of the most remarkable thing s I’ve ever experienced.
And we will be together. I know this more than I’ve ever known anything in my life. There will come a time that we are right where we need to be and everything will fall into place like it did once before.
I’m stepping away from this relationship because I need to, not because I want to. But I step away with confidence, knowing that it is not forever. I’ve seen my future. I’ve dreamt it. I’ve written about it. We will always love each other.
A small part of me worries, wondering if he’ll be waiting for me when I’m ready. But then I stop myself. He will be. I’m not expecting him to pine over me, or stay away form girls, but I know that his heart is mine. And mine is his.
We belong to each other. No matter what happens.
I am okay. I will get through this.
We will get through this.
We’ll always be we.
I love him. Forever. Always.
Long distant relationships are shit.
You miss the person all the time, you’re sad constantly… you fall in love with a ghost.
I fell in love. And now it just hurts.
I will be for a very long time, and I’m not sure it will ever go away.
I’m in love with a ghost.
Maybe I fell in love with the right person, at the wrongest of times.
what am I doing? who is this person? what am I saying?
When this year began, I told myself I wanted to be more “present”.
So far, that has actually happened, shockingly enough.
I’ve noticed that I’m more confident in the things that mean a lot to me.
By being more present, I find myself become more emotionally interested in things, and I find myself respecting myself a great deal.
Last night I had a conversation with someone about religion. I wasn’t scared to say my piece, but I was also extremely open minded and non-judgmental.
I don’t really know how being more present has affected that at all, but it has. I’ve become more in tune with how I’m feeling and how I can express what’s on my mind.
I don’t feel like I can be pushed around or influenced as easily as I once was.
I used to look up to people in admiration when they would speak their mind eloquently and respectfully to others. Or would assert themselves in an uncomfortable situation.
It’s easier, of course, to just sit back and let others take the lead, but why? Why do that? Why not speak your mind? Why not be blunt? You’re alive, aren’t you?
I feel capable and unafraid and confident in the person I am and the thoughts I think.
That’s a good feeling.